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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in  an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

While trying to avoid hitting a dog, I lost control of my two wheeler and landed in a ditch by the side of road. With some difficulty, as I crawled out of the ditch, a beautiful woman who had stopped her car and came to help me asked "Are you okay"
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up.
She said, “Come, get in my car. I’ll take you to my place that is only few blocks away. You can clean up, and then I will examine to confirm that you are not hurt.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come on, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "We need to see if you have any scrapes and treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very kind. I could not say no, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place and after cleaning up, she examining me to confirm that I do not have any major injury and then offered a drink. We had couple of drinks, but all along I was feeling guilty and finally told her, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. I suppose, she must be at home, right"
"Well, not really. She must be still in the ditch."

An old man walks into a church, and goes for a confession. The priest pulls back the window, and the old man says: “Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I am 80 years old and I was walking home from the library the other day and two college girls stopped their car and said they were on spring break and needed directions and we got into a discussion and they offered to drive me home and on the way one of them asked me the last time I’d had sex and I told them it had been years and she said would I like to have some fun and before I knew it the three of us were in my apartment and I had the most magnificent sex for two nights and the day between and they’re still there waiting for me and promised they’d show me things I never even knew man and woman could do. And that’s why I’ve come to confession.”

And the priest asks, “When was the last time you went to confession?”
And the old man says, “Actually, this is the first time.”
And the priest says, “You’re 80 years old and this is your first confession? Why now?”
And the old man says, “Because I’m Jewish.”
And the priest asks, “In that case, why are you telling me?”
And the old man says, “I’m telling everybody!!”

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

A nun gets into a cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. 


She asks him why he is staring.


He replies:


"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."


She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me.


When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.


I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."


"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."


She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:


#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."


The cab driver is very excited and says,


"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK," the nun says


"Pull in to the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.


But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.


"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"


"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,


I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says,


"That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going


to a fancy dress party

[url=https://www.ba-bamail.com/jokes/religion-jokes/?jokeid=519]https://www.ba-bamail.com/jokes/religion-jokes/?jokeid=519[/url]

Two 90-year-old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all their lives. 
When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day.

One day Frank said, "Leo, we both loved playing baseball, and we played
all through high school. Please do me one favor:  when you get to
heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."

Leo looked up at Frank from his deathbed and said,

"Frank you've been my best friend for many years.  If it's at all
possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Leo passed away.

A few nights later, Frank was awakened from a sound sleep by a
blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Frank
... Frank …”

"Who is it?" asked Frank sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?”

“It's me, Leo.”

"You're not Leo. Leo just died.”

"I'm telling you it's me, Leo," insisted the voice.

"Leo!  Where are you?”

"In Heaven," replied Leo. "I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

"Tell me the good news first," said Frank.

"The good news," Leo said, "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better
yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here too. Better
than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, 
and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, 
and we never get tired.”

"That's fantastic," said Frank. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So
what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

Subject: Fwd: RUSSIAN SOLDIER AND THE NUN
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked,
“Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later.”
The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Ukraine.” The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added, “I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would’ve also seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Ukraine, either."

One word joke… wait for it…..,


DECAF

t’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
"No", says the neighbour. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?"
The neighbour says, "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No", he says. "They’re all at the funeral."

[quote author=alwayslit link=topic=57999.msg219336#msg219336 date=1695902705]
t’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
"No", says the neighbour. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?"
The neighbour says, "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No", he says. "They’re all at the funeral."
[/quote]

Smoke came out of my nose as I laughed so hard at that