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Q: What do you do when you're done eating your vegetables?

A: Get 'em back in their wheelchairs!

A sailor was coming in to a small town after being out at sea for several months when he decided he needed to find himself a woman for the next couple of days. He found a local brothel and went to the front desk only to find they were booked. The woman behind the counter said I do have one room available, but no woman today.

He went into the room and found a rubber chicken in there. So he said what the hell.....did it with the rubber chicken and left.

The sailor came back the next day and again the woman said they were booked solid. I do have something available in room number 6....no woman though, sorry.

He went into room number 6 and a bunch of people were taking turns looking through a small window. He made his way to the window and asked one man what was going on. The man replied that there was a woman on the other side with a horse. He said you should have been here yesterday! There was a guy in there with a rubber chicken!

A man went into an old time saloon where they had hookers upstairs and sat down for a few drinks. He asked the bartender if he could get some time upstairs with a woman and the bartender said our only hooker is on vacation. The best I can do for you is old Gus over there. He points to an old man sitting at a table drinking alone. The man said I don't do that kind of shit! Forget that.

A couple of hours go by and the man asks the bartender how many people would know about it if he decided to take him up on the offer with old Gus. The bartender thought for a moment and said probably 7. 7?! Why so many?!?! Well said the bartender....I would know, you would know. Gus would definitely know....And I suppose it would take 4 men to hold old Gus down because he doesn't do that kind of shit either!

Well Graham is the geezer who got home late one night and Helen his wife, says. "Where the hell have you been?"

Graham replies. "I was getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo?" She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar note on my privates." He said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."

Graham is now in The Critical Care Unit, Room 233. No visitors until further notice...............

How does a mother in Arkansas know when her daughter is on her period?

Her sons dick tastes funny.

My friend's mom is so ugly, she made a freight train take a dirt road.

Heard one today:

What’s the one part of a vegetable you never eat?

The wheelchair

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman