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Lady walks into a sex shop and and says " I'll take that green one with the shiny top" Man says " Lady that's my Thermos"

Thank you, thank you... I'll be here 'til Thursday.  Try the veal!

so a guy turns to his buddy and says tell me the stupidest joke you know, he looks at his buddy and says sarah palin

Two hobos were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other hobo.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a 20. I went into town and bought a case of beer and was drunk for three days."

The other hobo said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first hobo. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other hobo said, "No, I never found her head."

Q: How do you know your girlfriend is rough?

A:  You ask for a blowjob and she says " Not tonight I'm tired, just jerk off in a cup and I'll drink it in the morning"

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The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development. 
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1.    A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2.    Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3.    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4.    Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5.    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?  His goal: transcend dental medication.

6.    A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  "But why?", they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7.    A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family inEgypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in  Spain ; they name him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, "They're twins!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8.    A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.  He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9.    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it's good…..) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

Q: What does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work?

A: She drops him off at band practice!

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."

A 12 year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection.A woman witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who’s lying on the ground in a pool of blood.She gently cradles the boy’s head in her arms and whispers, “Do you need a priest?”The boy moans, “How you can think of sex at a time like this?”

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews
between services when he was approached by the priest.

The priest asked the  janitor, "Could you go into the
confessional and listen to confessions for me?  I really
have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming.
She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy
of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her
10 hail Mary's and I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed.  Just as
expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started
her confession.

"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable.  I have
given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this
situation.  Surely 10 hail Mary's would not do.  So, in
a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out
of the confessional and asked an alter boy, "Son, what
does the priest give for oral sex?"

In reply the alter boy said, "Two Snickers and a Coke."

This guy goes to a bar and asks for 5 shots of tequila...the bartender gets worried and asks why so many? The guy replies because I am very angry!!! The bartender says why? The guy replies:  I just found out that my first son is gay!!! He drinks the 5 shots and leaves.  Next week he comes back and orders 10 shots...the bartender says:  10 shots? Why? What happened now? The guy says I just found out that my second son is also gay!!! He drinks the ten shots and leaves.  He comes back the following week and he orders an entire bottle of tequila...the bartender gets really alarmed and asks him oh come on man!!! Doesn't anyone in your family like vagina? The guy says:  I just found out my wife does!!!