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Did you hear that Denny's has an Octo-Mom breakfast special?
14 eggs, no sausage, and the guy behind you gets to pay for it!

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5 Kg Weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a Voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 Kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 Kg program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 Kg as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 20 Kg program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most Rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in Years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'


He lost 35 Kg that week!!

One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. He service man opened the hood and after a while the repair man said " It looks like you've blown a seal ", the man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache."

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions for the first
time, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest
asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub
your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,
go on,' and 'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better
than slapping your knee and saying, 'No shit?!? What happened
next?'"

Wow, over two years and this is still going..... :clap:

Yeah this is where i come to pick up my weeks worth of totally tasteless humor for the workday grind!

  I'm too lazy to wade through 20 pages of jokes, so if this has been posted already, I apologize for this waste of electrons:

  Three women are out drinking and clubbing.  They call it a night, and meet the next day for coffee, and to tell of their exploits after parting company.

  The first woman says, "I was so shitfaced last night, I got home, walked in the front door, fell on my face, and blew chunks!"

  The second woman says, "I was sooo fucked up, I wrapped my car around a telephone pole in front of my house.  Then I mistook my neighbors' house for mine- now they're pissed at me.  I don't even have insurance!"

  The third woman says, "I was so plastered, I got home and started fighting with my boyfriend.  Things started flying, I knocked over a candle- and, bottom line? The friggin house burned down!"

  A moment passes, then the first woman says, "Guys, I don't think you understand.  My dog's name is [i]Chunks[/i]." 

Great keep them coming!

A man goes out drinking with a co-worker after work one night.  Because of his inexperience, he gets plastered fast.  In no time at all, he pukes all over himself.

  "Crap!" he says, "My wife's gonna kill me when I get home!" 

  His co-worker friend replies, "No sweat.  Just do what I do- slip a twenty into your front pocket, and when you get home, pass it to your wife, and tell her:  Some guy puked on me, honey, but he gave me twenty bucks to cover the dry cleaning bill."

  The puke-covered drunk exclaims, "That's perfect!"  And they both proceed to drink the night away.

  Later that night, as he walks in his front door, his wife- who was waiting up for him- turns on the light, and smells something rancid.  "Christ!  What the hell is that stench?" she asks her husband.

  He reaches into his pocket, passes her the twenty, and repeats the lie his co-worker told him to say.

  His wife says, "But this is forty dollars."

  The man ponders for a moment, then replies, "Oh, yeah.  He shit in my pants, too."  ;D