Onlinehumidor.com

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows the answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

[u][b]Hers/His Diary[/b][/u] 

[b]HER DIARY[/b]: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.  I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.  He agreed, but he didn't say much.  I asked him what was wrong.  He said, 'Nothing.'  I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.  He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.  He smiled slightly, and kept driving.  I can't explain his behavior.  I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'  When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.  He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.  About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.  To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.  But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.  He fell asleep - I cried.  I don't know what to do.  I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.  My life is a disaster.

[b]HIS DIARY:[/b]
My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

Two businessmen in California were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by,
put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling'.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese
tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!'

Let me tell you about my weekend



> An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
>
> evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
>
>
>
>
>
> He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
>
> girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a
>
> $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I' d like to see something more
>
> special.'
>
>
>
> At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
>
> another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler
>
> said.
>
>
>
> The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
>
> excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
>
>
>
> The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by
>
> check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it
>
> now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds
>
>
>
> and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.
>
>
>
> Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.
>
>
>
> 'There's no money in that account.'
>
>
>
> 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'
>
>
>
> All Seniors Aren't Senile

Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss after eating. 8)

*/MAN TEST /*



*/1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet... Nancy-pants. /*



*/2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, s nookums!' You're fit to be framed, you're soooo queer. /*



*/3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag. /*



*/4. If you refuse to piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he goes where he pleases. /*



*/5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as queer as a $3 bill. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too. /*



*/6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. I f you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious. /*



*/7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer. /*



*/8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being a fudgepacker. /*



*/OH YEAH.............. IF ANY OF THIS OFFENDS YOU........ YOU'RE A FAG TOO!!!!!!!! /*

Here are some adult riddles:

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do a Christmas Tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: If the dove is the bird of Peace, what is the bird of True Love ?

A. The swallow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .. They don't have balls to scratch!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

COWS, GOLF AND A WIFE

      A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
      Two  black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
      Naturally the doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'

      'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
      difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.'

      We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed
      One of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

      'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
      ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
      Cow's' butt.'

      Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this
      Looks like yours!'

      'I don't remember much after that...'

The Cardiologist's Funeral
  A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.  A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.  When all eyes
stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.'

The proctologist fainted.

COLD IS A RELATIVE THING
    65 above zero:
  Floridians turn on the heat.
  People in NY plant gardens.
 
  60 above zero:
  Californians shiver uncontrollably.
  People in NY sunbathe.
  50 above zero:
  Italian & English cars won't start.
  People in NY drive with the windows down..
 
  40 above zero:
  Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves,
  wool hats.
  People in NY throw on a flannel shirt.
 
  35 above zero:
  New Jersey landlords finally turn up the heat.
  People in NY have the last cookout before it
  gets cold.
 
20 above Zero
People in Miami all die.
  NY natives close the windows.
 
  Zero:
  Californians fly away to Mexico .
  People in NY get out their winter coats.
 
  10 below zero:
  Hollywood disintegrates.
  The Girl Scouts in NY are selling cookies door
  to door.
 
 
  20 below zero:
  Washington DC runs out of hot air.
  People in NY let the dogs sleep indoors.
 
  30 below zero:
  Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
  NY natives get upset because they can't start
  the Snow-mobile.
 
  40 below zero ):
  ALL atomic motion stops .
  People in NY start saying...'Cold enough fer
  ya?'
 
  50 below zero:
  Hell freezes over.
  NY public schools will open 2 hours late