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Two newlyweds arrive at the honeymoon suite on their wedding
night. The groom says,

"Honey, I've got a confession to make...I'm addicted to golf! I
have to be out on the course morning, noon, and night. I don't
know how you want to deal with it, but I'm going to be out there"

"That's OK!" said his blushing bride, "I've got a confession to
make too... I'm a hooker!"

"No big deal!" replied the groom, "Just loosen your grip, and
open the club face."

Little boy at the nude beach. THIS IS PRICELESS!!!!!

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women
have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns
to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,

' Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he
talks, the dumber he gets.

[u][b]REDNECK LOVE POEM[/b][/u]

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, 'SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.'

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

'YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.'

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, 'MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
MARRY WILL, OR MARRY JOE:
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.'

Confucius say:

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
A man with his hands in pockets feels foolish, but a man with holes in pockets feels nuts.
All men eat, but Fu Manchu.
Baby conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission, grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.
Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter.
Boy fool with girl in wrong period get caught red handed.
Boy who diddle little girl do diddly squat.
Boy who go to bed with sex problem, wake up with solution in hand.
Crowded elevator always smell different to midget.
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
Don't sweat the petty stuff ... and don't pet the sweaty stuff.
Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, smart man spread limb.
Find old man in dark, not hard!
Foolish man give wife grand piano.  Wise man give wife upright organ.
Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.
Girl should not marry basketball player: he dribbles before he shoots.
Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss.
Girl who is wallflower at party is dandelion in bed.
Girl who marries man named Richard, must kiss Dick.
Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.
He who chase car will get exhausted.
He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser.
He who eat cookie in bed, will wake up feeling crumby.
He who eat ice cream in car is a Sundae Driver.
He who eat too many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.
He who fish in other mans well often catches crabs.
He who let woman on top is fucking up.
He who masturbates in front of cash register come into money.
He who plays with self, pulls boner.
He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.
He who put face in punch bowl get punch in nose.
He who stand on toilet, high on pot.
He who stick head in open window get pane in neck.
He who stick head in oven get baked bean.
Hockey player on ice have big stick.
Honeymooning campers have one intent!
House without toilet is uncanny.
If you turn an oriental around, he become disoriented.
If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy!
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on whole woman have more.
Man kicked in testicles, left holding bag.
Man put in shit-house by wife end up in cat-house.
Man trapped in brothel get jerked around.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Man walking through swing doors is going to Bankok.
Man who abuse his computer get bad bytes!
Man who bounce woman on bedspring this spring, have offspring next spring.
Man who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser.
Man who cut fart in church have to sit in own pew.
Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there!
Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
Man who drop watch in whisky is wasting time.
Man who eat photo of father, soon spitting image of father.
Man who fight with wife all day,  get no piece at night.
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding bag.
Man who go to sleep with itchy butt, wake with smelly fingers
Man who have circumcision lose a bit of foresight.
Man who have hole in pocket feels cocky all day.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!
Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
Man who lay woman on ground gets piece on earth.
Man who live in glass house should dress in basement.
Man who lose key to girl friends apartment, no get nukie.
Man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Man who masturbate only screwing self.
Man who plays with self pulls boner.
Man who plays with titty gets bust in mouth.
Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.
Man who put cock on stove have hot rod.
Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
Man who read woman like book, prefer braille!
Man who screws cook in pantry often gets ass in jam.
Man who sells Kotex, is crack salesman.
Man who sit on hot stove will rise again.
Man who sit on tack get point!
Man who sleep in cat house by day, in doghouse by night
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Man who snatch kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.
Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.
Man who suck woman's tit make clean breast of things.
Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep sh*t.
Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.
Man who walk in middle of road get run over by bus.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Man with forked tongue not need chop sticks.
Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs.
Man with no legs bums around.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Man's wife his better half, his mistress his better whole.
Men who put cream in tart, not always a baker.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Passionate kiss like spider's web ... soon lead to undoing of fly.
People who make Confucious joke speak bad English.
Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind.
Sex on beach is like American beer -- fuckin' near water!!!!
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.
Virgin is like balloon;  one prick, all gone.
Wife not part of furniture, until screwed on bed.
Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
Woman is like jazz music, 3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time.
Woman laid in tomb may soon become mummy.
Woman pilot who fly upside down have crack up.
Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets tit-bit.
Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy.
Woman who slides down banister makes monkey shine.
Woman who spend much time on bedspring, may have offspring.
Woman who springs on springs this spring gets off spring next spring.
Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!
Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.
Woman with blonde hair may have black hair by cracky.

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker
are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says
the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
fertile for farming.


Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan,
Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can
come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.


The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this
wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick
and completely surrounds the country.
Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar, smiles
and says, 'Fill it with water.'

Children's Books That Didn't Make It...


1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's It; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop Goes The Hamster & Other Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The
Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be
turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were
wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After twenty years,
the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your
breasts.'

She said, 'Well, then I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

A blonde takes her car to a garage. She asks if there's any way
they can fix the hail damage on her hood. Seeing that she was
blonde, the mechanic decided to have some fun with her. He tells
her,

"Well, I'll let you in on something. I'll tell you how to do it
on your own, and it will cost you nothing. Go home, and blow as
hard as you can into the tail pipe. Then the dents will pop out!"

Excited, the blonde goes home and parks her car in the driveway
and begins to blow into the tailpipe.

Another blonde walks by and asks what she's doing. The blonde
explains what she's doing and the other blonde yells,

"Gosh! It's blondes like you that give us a bad name! Anyone
knows that you have to have the windows rolled up first!"

One day, a mother walks by her young son's room and sees little
Johnny masturbating. Later, she has a talk with him and tells him
that good little boys save it until they are married.

A few weeks later, the mom is having another talk with little
Johnny. "How are you doing with that problem we talked about,
dear?" she asks.

Little Johnny cheerfully replies, "Great! So far, I've saved
nearly a quart!"

What's the difference between a lion and a kitten?

















a lion can eat you but a little pussy never hurt anyone.