Tasteless Jokes

[Knuck42]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know
> everyone there
> Is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
>
> Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave,
> how about
> Tom Cruise?"
>
>
> "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove
> it."
>
> So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom
> Cruise's
> door
> And Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see
> you! Come
> On in for a beer!"
>
> Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After
> they leave
> Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing
> Cruise was
> just
> Lucky.
>
> "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
>
> "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
>
> "Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington
> ."
>
> And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the
> tour and
> Motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a
> surprise, I was
> Just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on
> in and
> let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
>
> Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally
> convinced.
> After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his
> doubts to
> Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
>
> "The Pope," his boss replies.
>
> "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off
> they fly to
> Rome.
>
> Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the
> Vatican's St.
> Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I
> can't catch the
> Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all
> the guards
> So let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony
> with the
> Pope."
>
> He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
>
> Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope
> on the
> Balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his
> boss has had a
> Heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
>
> Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What
> happened?"
>
> His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... You
> and the
> Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said,
> 'Who the f**k
> is that on the balcony with Dave
> ________________________________
>

[atomross13]

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday
evening that read:

"Dear Wife:
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him
at the front desk that read as follows:

"Dear Husband:
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at
the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy
toy. You, being an accountant, will therefore appreciate that 18
goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

[Knuck42]

The Washington Post's ~ Mensa Invitational ~ once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary & ALTER it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:

17. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

16. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

15. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

14. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

13. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

12. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

11. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

8. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's,
like, a serious bummer.

7. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

6. Glibido: All talk and no action.

5. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

4. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

3. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

2. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding 1/2 a worm-in & fruit you're eating. ~

AND The top pick: #1 ~ Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid & an asshole..:!!!

[atomross13]

When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.

When I was 16, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no
passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for
life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with
some stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some
excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up
with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone
she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great
fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided
to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so
ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big tits.

[atomross13]

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his
teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's
every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this
he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing
now."

[atomross13]

Two men are at opposite ends of the Earth.
One is on a tightrope 90 feet in the air.
The other is getting a blowjob from a 90-year-old woman.

But they both have the same thought at the same moment.

What are they both thinking???

"Don't look down!"

[atomross13]

An Asian man walked into a currency exchange in NYC with 2000 yen
and walked out with $72.

The following week he again walked in with 2000 yen, but only
received $66. He asked the teller why he received less money than
the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door,
turned around and said,

"Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

[Land Rover]

Getting ready for bed at the end of the night,  My wife is looking in the mirror while changing into here pajamas.  She is feeling a little down on herself and starts to comment about her reflection in the mirror.  She starts saying that she is Unattractive, overweight, and sagging in all the wrong places.  After feeling like shit, she looks at me and asks for me to tell her something positive about her.  I reply, "Your eyesight is near perfect!"
-And thats when the fight started

[atomross13]

A proctologist walked into a bank and prepared to endorse a
check. He pulled a rectal thermometer out of his pocket and tried
to "write" with it.

Realizing his mistake he looked at the thermometer with annoyance
and exclaimed

"How do you like that? Some asshole's got my pen!"

[Knuck42]

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' 
She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'





The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'


To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


 
  LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'


LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'


The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.


The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'


Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'


Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'




LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.


First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.


'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''


LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER


Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.


After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'


The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'


Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

 
 
 



I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!