Tasteless Jokes

[Knuck42]

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets
out of the car. . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and
life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

........ . . and that's when the fight started . . .

[atomross13]

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the
Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.

The Monsignor leads them into a room, tells them to undress, and
ties a small bell to each man's penis. In comes a beautiful
woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance
sensually around the first candidate.

*Ting-a-ling*

"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your
lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your
carnal weakness". The candidate leaves.

The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly
peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:

*Ting-a-ling*

"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to
withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and
pray for forgiveness."

The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final
candidate. . . Nothing.

She writhes up and down against his body. . . No response.

Finally, exhausted, she quits.

"Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor.
"Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a
priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."
*Ting-a-ling-a-ling*

[atomross13]

A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he
heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and
shouted:

Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good
night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night,"
what I really mean is "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"

The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small
voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark
room:

"Good Night, Sergeant"

[atomross13]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she
asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained,

"He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was
surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no," her gran replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in
time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the
dongs."

She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn
ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive."

[atomross13]

Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how much he
tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of
betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to
reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the
first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be
the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -
"Howard, you're a veterinarian."

[Knuck42]

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'

[atomross13]

On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the
wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening.

"Oh. it's not over yet," says he.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She
opens it in anticipation and finds two little white pills,

"What in the world are these?"

"Aspirin," he replies.

"But I don't have a headache," says she.

"GOTCHA!"

[atomross13]

A four-year-old wanders up and down the aisles of a supermarket
crying his eyes out.

"What's the matter young fella?" asks a concerned shop assistant.

"I've lost my mummy!" wails the youngster, sobbing convulsively.

"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothes the shop assistant.
"Now, what's mummy like?"

"Big cocks and vodka," sobs the little fella.

[atomross13]

A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that he
was afraid that his teenaged son had come down with V.D.

"He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to
be her."

"Don't worry too much," advised the doctor. "These things
happen."

"I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've
been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same
symptoms."

"That's unfortunate."

"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."

"Oh God," said the doc, "That means we all have it."

[Knuck42]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.' 
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and end s in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!