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Guy is getting his annual eye exam. The optometrist tells him, "I'm afraid you'll have to quit masturbating."

The guy is astounded. "So it really does cause blindness?"

The doctor says, "No, it's making the other patients uncomfortable."

What is a cigar smoker's favorite drink?

CoLa

I went to Walmart today and was in the store for about five minutes.
When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause
he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

Jane and Arlene both in their 80’s are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, and brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

VRATJV07

Bill Clinton goes to hell.

The devil awaits him. He says “Bill, don’t worry, it’s not as bad down here as they say. I let you pick your eternal punishment for yourself.”

“What are my options?” Bill asks.

So the devil shows him around.

Behind the first door is Ronald Reagan. He’s chained up, and getting whipped by a bunch of little devils constantly. Bill declines.

Behind the next door is JFK. He’s on a wheel, getting his bones broken, healed and broken again. Bill declines as well.

Behind the third door is George Bush. He’s chained to the wall. At his knees is Monica Lewinsky, sucking him off. Bill says “great! I’ll take that one”

The devil shouts into the room:”Alright Monica, you can leave now”

A kid and his dad saw two dogs having sex, and the kid asked what they were doing.
"The dog in the back hurt his paw, so his friend is helping him walk" says the dad.
"Ain't that life?" says the kid, "You help out a friend and he fucks you in the ass every time!"

What do you call a bunch of guys lined up to get a haircut?

A barberque
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What starts with an E and ends with an E and has only one letter in it ?

An envelope
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What did the drummer name his twin daughters?

Anna One and Anna Two

If people from the US smile, does that mean people from Europe skilometer?